By: Anna Rae Aurora
All beings have trauma and want to speak about one of mine in hopes that it will ease the shame + guilt + burden that secrets hold upon a Divine Being. If I can use my story and voice to alleviate the bigger + thicker + darker energies from anyone or anything, I will hand write until violence is slain. I do not recall much but memory shifts as we grow and some flashes of moments come back as time passes. I know I was molested by my older brother for a decade of our childhood. The first time it happened was when I was four. I had just started kindergarten and my brother and our friend, Gus, were playing in our parents’ bedroom. They had a fancy waterbed in a bedroom with a forest mural on the walls. I remember him pulling up my dress and saying, “It’s okay, it won’t hurt.” Over and over. I do not recall what it felt like or what I was thinking. The only thing I do remember from this first time is checking out and falling deeply into the forest mural. Over time, when this happened, again, my modus operandi was to turn my head and gaze into that forest wall.
In the year 2000, my brother, his wife and daughter moved to Delphi Indiana from Lafayette. My brother and I talked a lot and we were always close. Blacked out memories allow for survival with your only witness for childhood that was consistent. My brother and I moved 18 times during our childhood and we switched custody three times. My father wanted a new family (cliche, I know) and we got in the way. My mother wanted to stay in her lane of hedonism to the max. Neither world wanted us so we leaned on each other for solace, protection and survival. Micah started to see a therapist when they moved to Delphi and his wife asked me if I recall any sexual abuse. I was truthful in saying, “I have one blurry memory of two people in the bedroom but I can’t see their faces.” Funny how the mind works in Divine Fear tricking us into believing we walked right into a forest instead of being raped by a brother and his friends. My brother and I used to drive to the West Lafayette airport and watch the skies and the planes and get grounded and look for guardian angels and ghosts. He was four years older and my suspension of disbelief about trauma was working in my favor. I know if I knew the truths, then… if my memories had flashed and returned by this time, I would not know how to handle it. Divine Creator unveils in Divine Timing. I am grateful that I had half of my life, so far, ignorant to the things he did. The things people let happen.
On a dusky summer day we left Delphi to get lost on purpose. Have an adventure in the cornfields and find a park or a diner or a lake. Micah was driving and we were listening to the Flash Gordon soundtrack when he brought “it” up. It was like the gravity left my heart and tongue. “You know the memory you told Danielle about being in Mom and Dad’s bedroom? That was me. And Gus. It happened until you were about thirteen and I am shocked that you still have no memories from any of it. I am sorry, I ruined you. I should not have touched you and I know it hurt you and still does. I will never be able to fully forgive myself for what I did to you. What I let happen to you. I did not know better and it was what I was taught was right and normal. Do you remember the house in the middle of Oakwood Street on our side of the block? The one with the haunted shadows on the porch and we would ride our bikes past their house super fast? There was a couple of guys that lived there and when I was four, I was over there alone for some reason and they had me perform oral sex on them. They told me it was normal. Our whole childhood was riddled with inappropriate company and we, as children, were subjected to selfish people who would wield the fact that they are adults as a powerful tool in fulfilling their lower base energetic and physical needs. And, that is what I became to you. You were my younger vulnerable sister and I thought I was in the correct role to use you at my whim. It wasn’t just the neighbors in the haunted house. Mom’s friend Danny? Have you ever thought about why you were invited into his home and hot tub at an entirely adult gathering and why they were all coaxing you you into the “naked only” pool?” I paused for a second, but, not long enough, and said, “It’s fine. Seriously, I have very little memory of any of it and I don’t think it affects me all that much. I have healthy relationships and am on a decent path.” While these were true things, I had so many illusions to unveil that when the layers came off, I realized those “healthy things” were not real nor tenable. The “normal” that I tried for so long to master was not just unhealthy for me, but unrealistic + unforgiving + humiliatingly unreachable. At that time, I was still under the impression that a male’s ego is priority over my inferior female heart, so, I tried to soothe my rapist by comforting him with the delusion that I was unaffected. Harsh, but, true. I said, “You didn’t do anything wrong. You are the victim. Also, I am fine!” I forgave him out loud and I did truly forgive him, then, in my heart. There are some things that happen for a reason and it’s synchronistic and “aw. The Universe is cute…” then, there is a moment like this. Micah was driving and we came to a crossroads. He slowed down because there was something in the middle of the intersection. We made a full stop and saw a snake the length of one of us on the gravel road. Middle of the cornfields and there is this snake not only in the middle of nowhere, but, it was also severed in half, completely and equally. We looked at the scene + each other + in the rearview mirror in lieu of backing the heck out of there and heading back to Delphi. I did not put The Oracle of Delphi pieces together until today. The Oracle’s name is “Pythia”; a derivative of ‘python.’ The original mythical beasts that guarded the gates of Delphi were Pythons. In many ways, much like an ancient Greek adventurer, we returned to Delphi after a journey, but, only after slaying the antiquated patriarchal cycles of trauma in the python at the gate. The Oracle has been illustrated above a fault line…a sacred tear in Earth. Our overlapping timeline with Greek myth had the hero’s journey a bit muddled, but, we slayed the dragon (snake) with our swords (words) and with the end of the serpent comes the end of a plot line resolved. Back on the road to Delphi to see the goddess and her womb to be reborn clean from what verses are left from the story that just ended.
My brother died at 29 years of age in 2004. His suicide note was edited and I have never really seen a full or original note. My uncle read the note to us in my mom’s studio apartment. He apologized to everyone and had convinced himself that the world would be happier without him. At the time of his suicide, he was going through a divorce, living in his car, fired from a chain restaurant and fishing to eat in Lake Michigan. Micah was well beyond me in his awake-ness and I see why he didn’t see this moment in time. Over the last fifteen years, memories return intermittently about things he or his friends or strangers did. At first, it was terrifying. I would panic and metaphorically look for a forest wall when a new flash from six years old or twelve would pop in my mind. I did not see the blessing in all of these tragedies until recently. As you can read, trauma is not binary. I don’t hate my brother but I don’t overlook the abuse and what it impacted for me and those around me. I don’t think he is evil and I truly forgive his sins.
In the last two years, other darkness and trauma has come to present itself. While I blacked out most of the above, I realized that there were a plethora of beings who chose to overlook events. Last year, my children expressed their own violation of their bodies. The combination of all of these events led me to face my whole story. As my children are telling their story and I witness it fall on deaf ears, often, I have come to wonder if anything has changed in our systems intended to protect children and the vulnerable. I have to say that the silver lining in this is that I can fully empathize and have a bit of the leg work done to heal from my trauma in my back pocket for the girls. This allows me to both heal with and facilitate healing with them. I am grateful for my brother even though he made mistakes at my expense. I learned so much from him about bravery and loyalty and God. I miss him and I wish he would have held out for this paradigm shift. He would have been so fully involved and present. I often feel like his timeline was a sacrifice he made for me and our future family + humanity. He laid out the groundwork for an individual ascension and quilting his poignant and Divine qualities together has been a very helpful outline, for me, when looking for a foundation during a transition time.
I had to share a room with my brother and it was fun when we could both tell stories or talk ourselves to sleep. He was super creative and had a wild imagination. He was four years older than me so his ability to "act" was super impressive to me/a four year old. We had a recurring thing that we would play until falling asleep where he had a pretend phone that he could use to call God. An eight year old casually calling The Divine Creator to ask Her “why is…” + chit chat for his little sister. Micah was tethered to God and this memory rehearts me that we are all human + Divine. Flawed + full of potential sins + potential holiness. I see him at the willow tree with me, eating candy from the corner store. I see him, in my heart, forever scaling a waterfall cavern. His shadows and sins happened. His story was overshadowed by this as it traumatized him, maybe as much as I. I hope this lifts his grainy veils of dark energies in whatever dimension or time he exists. They existed as part of the big story/stories. Perspective plays a large part of finding joy and a higher energetic vibration and I choose the view of my brother as a perfect child on Earth who fulfilled his contract with honors. I have lived in the shadow of this trauma and all of the sudden… I am, we all are, in and reflecting the light that comes from healed wounds.